"Teacher, why are you so mean?"

“Teacher, why are you so mean?”

That’s what one of my students asked me, my favorite student actually, on my last day in Cambodia. But before getting into that story, let’s go back to August 2015 – before I even left for Cambodia.

Last year, a few of my friends and coworkers asked if I thought I might stay longer than the six months I had originally committed to. I always told them that I was open to that possibility. I really enjoy working at the Gates Foundation, but as many people know, I’m not innately passionate about business process or IT (surprise, surprise). I like that what I do helps the foundation be more efficient and ultimately to be able to help people around the world better, but I’m relatively far removed from the end benefit. I also love love love my coworkers (shout out to IW!), but my job wasn’t something I felt was necessarily a calling I had to stay in. My goal in Cambodia was to work directly with kids impacted by sex trafficking/abuse, which I have a more deep-seated passion for, and which is why I kept an open mind and knew that six months could potentially lead to more.

That was my mindset before I left. To be honest, once I got out here and living on my own in Cambodia set in more, the possibility of staying longer than six months decreased by the day. Part of it was that I wasn’t very busy in the beginning, and didn’t feel like I was being very helpful. Part of it was that I really missed my family and friends back home and didn’t know how long I could last on my own in a foreign country. So I went from being very open to the possibility of staying longer to being pretty confident I wouldn’t stay longer than the original six months, in a very short amount of time.

Then I started to hit a bit of a groove a couple of months in. I was consistently teaching English at a friend school twice a day and was building a really good rapport with my students, especially my advanced class at night where I could be much more creative in how/what I taught. I also started working with girls who had been sexually abused or trafficked at an aftercare home, which was what I really, really wanted to help out in. I was able to both learn more about the issue of sex trafficking, the approach for aftercare, and most importantly I got to just interact with the girls and be a small part of their lives. I taught English as well as ukulele and guitar, which gave me a chance to interact with most of the girls in various ways.

I also got a lot more comfortable just living in Cambodia. I spoke a bit more Khmer, could understand a lot more, was able to get around on my own on my moto, made a few friends, and in essence felt less like a fish out of water. I had my routines, I had my independence, and I had growing relationships. But I still wasn’t sure I wanted to stay much longer than my original commitment. I think a part of that was due to the fact that I have really great friends and family back home. And not matter what community I made out in Cambodia, I didn’t feel it would compare with the people back home. The other part of it was that the grass is always greener. I missed my other normal life back home, and the longer I was away, the better I remembered life in Seattle (some true, some exaggerated).

So my mind was still pretty made up. Six months. I knew I would really miss working with the kids, but I didn’t fully appreciate the impact I would make on them, and how important they were to me until my last month out here.

For many things, progress is made so slowly that from day-to-day nothing really feels different. And I think that’s how I felt with the kids. I so loved working with both my groups of students, but because our relationship built so gradually, I didn’t think much of what it had become months into the relationship. But it hit really hit home when we started to say our goodbyes and I was able to look back and see how far I had come with my students.

At the aftercare home, the girls planned an ice cream party for me the day before I left. Then about half of the girls came up and shared a little about their experiences and what they enjoyed doing with me. Some even did it in English, which took a lot of bravery. It was as sweet as you can imagine, and I was close to tears a few times. They shared about playing games, watching Pixar movies (Wall-E and Up are my two personal favorites), playing sports in the front parking lot, learning musical instruments, and some of the trinkets I brought them from my travels. We also had a little concert with my guitar and ukulele students to perform all of the songs we had learned throughout the almost-five months. It was cute how nervous my guitar students got. They kept asking to make the ukuleles go first, but we went first anyway and they played the song perfectly, which of course I knew they would J. The ukulele girls were a lot more laid back. They got up there, killed their two songs, smiled, high-fived me, and sat back down. Thinking back to how shy and reserved they were with me when I first met them in October reminded me how far we had come – the confidence they had in both English and music classes compared to the first day is pretty amazing to think of. Before I left, they all circled me and prayed. I couldn’t understand most of them, but I felt very cared for and blessed.

The caretakers asked me to share some words with the girls. I shared a few things with them, but the most important thing I wanted them to remember was that they were deeply cared for and worthy of being loved. And that if I were to ever have a daughter, I would be over the moon if she was anything like them.

With my advanced English class, Michael and the rest of the students planned a boat cruise on the Mekong for my going away. It’s so not easy to plan large group events during rush hour when everyone has to commute via moto, so I really appreciated their thoughtfulness. Oh, and they brought fried chicken. They know me so well.

Preppin' that fried chicken!

Post-boat ride fun at Diamond Island.

My romantic ferris wheel ride with my better half, Michael.

The next night for our last class, I asked my students to share some of their favorite memories of class, or things they especially remembered. A few shared about certain “words of the day” we learned and how they wanted to apply them in the future – flexibility, empathy, integrity to name a few. It made me proud that they remembered so many of the lessons we had learned over the prior few months. And then we ended the night with what we always do to celebrate things in Cambodia – smoothies. And if that send-off wasn’t enough, a handful of my students skipped school the next day (definitely not endorsed by me!) to see me off at the airport.

Smoothies to celebrate an awesome class.

One last iced coffee. My first and last stops in Cambodia.

School, schmool.

Oh yea, and on my last (late) night, Michael and the boys celebrated with me with a few too many beers and $1 whiskey, which was just the best.

$1 whiskey with coconut juice and Cambodia beer make me happy, but not my stomach so much.

Jason wondering what grave mistake we'd made.

 Just four guys posing shirtless in the streets at 3am.

When I get home and have some time to decompress and look at my experience with a little more objectivity, I’ll be able to discern how I stay connected with the my students and the work that I loved being a part of. I’ll already stay connected with the aftercare home by continuing to help them with some grant-writing. And in working with a few awesome people, we were able to connect a handful of students with scholarships to university, which will be a great excuse to stay in close contact with them. So I’ll have at least that, but I’m going to be open to what else might reveal itself over the coming months. I also told them when they graduate university or if they get married, I’d do my best to fly back and celebrate with them (I also promised I'd sing at one of their weddings...)

Difficult goodbyes are difficult (yea, I’m pretty insightful), but I’m always happy when they occur because it means I've made a deep connection with someone. And it gives me that much more reason to turn the “goodbye” into a “see you later.”

OK, so to that question, “Teacher, why are you so mean?” It was my last day in Cambodia and one of my favorite students, Champa, called me and immediately asked me that question. I was confused, and asked what I did. “You’re mean for making me miss you!” (She's the sweetest, right?) I told her if that was the case, then she was equally as guilty.

I just adore this girl.

I’m immensely grateful that I get to miss her, along with the rest of my students, but I’m also excited and expectant for what comes next in our relationships.

Meet the Boys, Volume 3 (The Finale): Jason

Welcome to the final installment of meeting the boys I live with. Last but not least is Jason. The thing that sticks out to me the most about Jason is that he is thoughtful in his concern for me. He was the one who took care of me when I got in my moto accident. And other times he'll ask me if I feel OK if I look tired or sick. He's not as gregarious as Tiger and not as quietly earnest as Nathan. He's probably somewhere in the middle, but definitely is always thinking and concerned about people in his life, which I really appreciate. OK, one last time. Let's go!

Name: Jason (Sophea)

Age: 19

Home province: Kandal

What are you currently doing?
Taking English classes at Shelter of Peace.

What were you doing before coming to Shelter of Peace? 
I was a monk at the temple down the street, but even then I attended Shelter of Peace to learn English.

Why did you leave the monkhood?
I left because the temple closed down their school. If they kept the school, I would still be a monk.

Why is learning English important to you? 
It helps you get a job and it’s also important to get into university.

What is your favorite thing to do in your free time? 
I like to listen to music, use Facebook, and sometimes read Khmer books.

What is your favorite food? Tom yum soup (Pert’s editorial comment: Jason makes the best tom yum soup I’ve ever had).

What person has influenced you the most? How did they influence you? 
My parents. They taught me a lot and helped me get started in my education.

What are your goals for your future? 
I want to be a politician and a policeman. It’s something I’m really interested in and I also want to help reduce the corruption in Cambodia.

What will you need to do to achieve these goals?
I need to study hard to pass the grade 12 test, and then apply for university. When I’m university, I’ll probably study law.

What are your family’s goals for you? 
My parents wanted me to be an engineer because it provided a good salary.

What does a perfect day look like? 
It would include a lot of talking and laughing, seeing my family, and eating tom yum soup.

If you could learn one thing, what would that be and why?
I would want to be a doctor because it would be a good job to have.

What is one thing Pert has learned since coming to Cambodia? 
He’s learned some Khmer and has also learned how people in Cambodia live.

He also cooks a mean chicken.

Meet the Boys, Volume 2: Tiger

Alright, installment #2! This time, Tiger's up. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of Tiger is that he's constantly smiling and laughing, and that he loves to sing (he also loves selfies :)). He's someone I can depend on to have a cheerful attitude pretty much 100% of the time. Generally, if someone's always happy, I'm skeptical :). But with Tiger, it's who he is, which is a trait I love about him and why it's impossible to not feel better after talking to or even just seeing him. I present to you, Tiger...

Name: Tiger (Sophea) - His nickname is Tiger, because he's a wild man.

Age: 19

Home province: Kompong Chhnang

What are you currently doing? 

I am a student in 12^th grade at Hun Sen High School.

What were you doing before coming to Shelter of Peace? 

I was a monk at the local Buddhist temple from 12-19 years old. I really wanted to learn more about Buddhism, so I joined when I was very young.

Why did you leave the monkhood? 

They shut down their school, so I left to continue my education. If they didn’t shut down the school, I would have stayed at the temple.

Why is learning English important to you? 

It will help me get a better job in the future since many jobs require English. It will also allow me travel around the world since it is the “mother” language.

What is your favorite thing to do in your free time? 

I like to sing and get on Facebook.

What is your favorite food? 

Fried chicken (Pert’s editorial comment: a man after my own heart)

What person has influenced you the most? How did they influence you? 

My parents influenced me the most. They both taught me that it’s important to be a good person.

What are your goals for your future? 

I want to be a tour guide in Siem Reap.

What will you need to do to achieve (complete) these goals? 

I need to graduate 12^th grade, then go to university to study to be a tour guide.

What are your family’s goals for you? 

My parents wanted me to be a teacher. My sister is currently a teacher.

What does a perfect day look like? 

Hanging out with friends. Also, eating fried chicken and singing.

If you could learn one thing, what would that be and why? 

I want to learn more about computers because many jobs now require that skill.

What is one thing Pert has learned since coming to Cambodia? 

He knows some Khmer.

The Girls in My Life

Up to now, I haven't had a chance to share too much about the girls I work with at the aftercare home. Some of that has to do with the fact that I'm still learning a lot about them. And some of that has to do with the sensitivity of their trauma - I didn't quite know the best way to share about them. But I gave the girls some homework a month back and I'm going to use that as my method for how to share about these beautiful, young people I've gotten to know.

To give a little background, the girls in the aftercare home are there between six months to a couple of years because they've been taken out of sex trafficking or sexual abuse. Their ages range from 10-20 years old. At the home, they get access to social workers and counselors to talk through their trauma, work on their social interactions with the other girls as well as the staff, use vehicles such as art and music as a part of their healing, and most importantly get the chance to be kids and simply have fun. That last part is where I mostly fit in. I've mentioned this before, but the reason why sex trafficking resonated so much with me was I couldn't imagine how anyone, especially a young child could come back from going through that type of painful experience. I don't know what kind of childhood that would be. If I could use my time to help these girls forget about those experiences, if only for a couple hours a day, and just have fun, then my time was well spent.

I've been working with these girls over the past 3.5 months in a couple of ways. My initial responsibility was to work with about half of the 19 girls on improving their english. I would lesson plan and throw in a few games to test them, let them have a bit of fun to break the monotony that is english class, and give myself an excuse to provide them snacks. Then about a month after I started teaching english, the director of the home told me a handful of the girls wanted to learn guitar and ukulele. Guitar was a go. I've been playing since high school, so that was no problem. Ukulele on the other hand was less of a slam dunk. I'd never touched one before, but the girls wanted to learn, so I said, "Sure." 30 minutes before my first ukulele class, I learned the only three chords I needed to know for the song I was going to teach them, and off we were! Relative smooth sailing from there.

My average day with the girls is an hour of teaching english followed by an hour of either guitar or ukulele, depending on the day. Over these past 3.5 months, the girls have been so great in welcoming me in and helping me feel a part of their family. Some took a bit more time to warm to me, but my strategy (as it is with all females in my life) is to keep making goofy faces at them until they start to smile, and so far it's worked pretty well.

Each girl I interact with is so unique and I appreciate so many different things about each of them. The homework assignment I gave them a month ago was to share one thing about another girl that they really liked, so I'm going use that same assignment to share a bit about the girls I get to interact with everyday. (Since I don't work with all 19 girls, I won't be sharing about all of them. And to be safe, I'll be using aliases instead of their real names.)

SP: I love that SP is so enthusiastic about answering questions in class. She's probably my smartest student, and she basically jumps out of her chair to raise her hand. She's slowly understanding that I want other students to answer questions as well, but that doesn't mean she's happy about it. She'll give me the pouty face if I haven't called on her for a few questions, which should never work, but always does. She even acts as my translator a lot of time for the other students since her english is so good. She's also learning guitar and she's basically mastered it in a couple of weeks. Basically she keeps me on my toes.

KNY: KNY is one of the younger girls and doesn't talk as much, but man, her smile. HER SMILE! I also love greeting her everyday because she'll run up to me with the mightiest high-five someone under four feet can pack.

KTA: I love that KTA helps KNY in class. Like I said, KNY doesn't speak a whole lot, and knows very little english, but KTA will always help her work out each question and come up with an answer that KNY loves to enthusiastically scream out even though she probably only understands half of the words.

PH: PH is so respectful to the point that it makes me chuckle. Without fail, each time she answers a question, she'll stand up, gather herself, and answer as if she was in the army. And when she's not doing that, she's raising her hand quickly to answer a question she doesn't know, and instead will just giggle, while standing up of course.

RM: RM also isn't as talkative, but she's really goofy and makes the funniest faces. What I also love about her is that she always offers me a snack from their 3:00 snack time, whether it's a banana or a slice of mango. A lot of my fruit knowledge comes from her.

SM: SM is similar to SP in that she's really smart and loves answering questions. I'm similarly working with SM to not just blurt out answers so the rest of the class gets a chance. Here's what a typical exchange with SM looks like:

Me: Please raise your hand if you know the answer.
SM: Blue triangle!
Me: SM, I said raise your hand!
SM: I know! But...
Me: OK, please next time raise your hand so someone gets a chance. 
SM: OK...
Me: Ok, everyone, please raise your hand if you know the answer.
SM: Red circle!
Me: SM!
SM: I know, I know...

She just gives me her sheepish smile each time I ask her to raise her hand. My other favorite thing about SM is how far she's come even in the short time I've worked with her. When I first started teaching, she would always sit quietly, not engaging or smiling. Slowly, maybe from hearing my broken khmer or seeing my random dance moves, she started to smile a bit more and she quickly turned into the non-hand raising participant she is today.

SPN: SPN is really shy, so she rarely raises her hand and doesn't like being called on. But what I appreciate about her is that she'll always ask the other girls for help if she doesn't know the answer. And then they'll work out an answer together. And being completely honest, one of my favorite sights during my entire time out here is when SPN knows the answer to a question and jets her hand in the air excitedly yelling out the answer. I see her pride swell in these moments and I do my best to soak in that second before moving on to the next question.

SD: SD is similar to SPN in that she doesn't love to answer questions. What I love about her is that she is such a copious note taker, which means she's really trying her best. She'll even reprimand me sometimes if I start to erase the whiteboard before she's done copying down her notes.

CH: CH is the girl that is most to herself. She doesn't really participate in class, but joins us everyday nonetheless. What I love about her is she's always the first face I see when I get to the home and she'll wave to me. I'll ask her, "Soksabai dei? (how are you)?" and she'll give me a quiet, "soksabai (I'm fine)." She's the hardest girl for me to interact with because of her quietness and lack of english, but she always finds me to say hello and that's a great way for me to start my day with the girls.

SL: SL is the girl who on my first day visiting the home asked if I was married, then commented on the fact that I'm probably too old to find someone at this point. That's the point I knew I would love this girl. I don't interact with SL that much because she's one of the older girls that goes to her own school, but I'll see her for a handful of minutes each day before she goes to dinner. We've worked out a handshake, and she braided my hair in a way that made my teammates at Gates actually like my rattail, which is pretty much a minor miracle.

MRI: I don't get to see MRI that much either because she has her own school, but she tries to sneak into my class for the last 10 minutes whenever she can. She'll come to game day, and basically just answer every question. She's like a hired gun. It's funny, too, because she's so nonchalant about her excellence. She sneaks her head in, answers a bunch of questions, then just skips away when she's done. For the love of the game.

MAR: MAR is one of the older girls and you can see her maturity. I appreciate how she acts as an older sister to all of the younger girls and basically helps to take care of them, even though she's still pretty much a kid herself.

RN: RN is no nonsense. I think my first image of her was of her arms crossed. It was as if she was saying, "Impress me." I loved it. I don't teach her english, but she's one of my guitar students and she's fierce with that, too. If RN communicates something, I know that's how she feels, which is a trait I really appreciate in her...now that I'm not scared of her anymore.

SK: SK is also one of my guitar students. SK is generally really reserved and to herself, but my favorite thing about her is when her determination comes out during guitar lessons. I've been working on strumming patterns with her, and it's one of the harder things I'll teach her. SK will work on a pattern, mess up, giggle, then turned stone-faced in a blink of an eye and calmly, but intensely say, "Again." It cracks me up every time. There's no time to dwell in the giggle. It's time to move!

SR: SR is like another caregiver to the girls. She's been at the home for a good amount of time and all of the girls look up to her because she's really mature and takes care of everyone. I so appreciate her maturity and her care for the other girls. She also plays a mean ukulele.

I've been immensely lucky to get the chance to work with these girls everyday and similarly to the girls, I've grown some as well. I remember in the beginning of my 3.5 months teaching them, I probably focused a little too much on lesson planning, and didn't just be present and enjoy my time with them. But as I thought again about what my value was to them, I reminded myself that I'm pretty sure they won't look back at their time with me and think warmly that I taught them simple past tense. Instead, I hope they'll look back and remember that they were cared for, thought of, worthy of being loved, and that they had so much fun laughing and playing and just being kids.

My Happy Place

Before coming out here, I had a little personal goal: to find a place where I frequented enough that the people recognized and knew me. I was initially thinking it would be like the local market, and I would get to know the older ladies selling vegetables or fruit or something. I don't really go to the market that often so that version of the dream hasn't been realized, but I did get introduced to the coffee stand in the nearby Buddhist temple and that has become my go to place if I ever want to just get away and read, write, listen to music, or people watch.

And my dream of being "a regular" was confirmed a few weeks ago when I sat down at the coffee stand and the mother (of the mother/daughter tandem that run the place) brought me my iced coffee without me having to order it. I can't overstate how awesome that little act was.

On top of that, it's a prime location because so many people pass by the stand on their bikes or motos. I get to meet a lot of people that pass by everyday, like San who is the garbage guy that walks by everyday and stops by to practice his English with me, or some of the monks who frequent the stand and want to meet the barang (foreigner). I also get a chance to see a lot of my students come and go because the high school is just down the road. It's also the location of where I got in my moto accident, so it's the source of many memories :).

This coffee stand was also literally the first place I went to when I arrived in Cambodia. Michael picked me up from the airport, and took me there to get an iced coffee before I even went to the house to unpack. I'm sure when I think back on my time in Cambodia, this coffee stand will be at the forefront.

40 cent cafe duk dakoh taggoh! (iced coffee with condensed milk - the first word I learned when I arrived)

 The coffee stand is also where I get my beauty tips...

...as well as my fruit.

Success! Also, that's ramen seasoning we're dipping the mango in, and it's delicious.

Some (In Progress) Thoughts on Hope

So I don’t know exactly how this is going to come out other than an unorganized stream of consciousness that is far from being resolved or even understandable, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the past couple of years, especially over the past few months where I've been forced to look at it in a different lens.

Let’s start here: I’m a Christian, which is a huge part of my life, and trying to figure out how my faith shapes my views, interactions, and motives is something that is constantly in the foreground of my thoughts. What I’ll add is that I’m learning the art of nuance and gray areas, but for most of my life, I’ve ebbed and flowed between extremes on most things in my life, including my faith. When I was younger in my faith, I very much thought that if you simply believed and trusted in God, you would/should be fine, whatever "fine" meant. God was enough and to complain or not be happy about life was on you. I very ungraciously responded to friends’ issues with, “Why is that a big deal? You have God, what else do you need?” Tactful, right?

And like many of the lessons in my life, I was only able to see my ugliness when I was on the other side of the equation. When I went through my own painful situations that didn’t make any sense and weren’t easily gotten over, hearing “just pray” or “that’s not a big deal” or “get over it” didn’t help me feel closer to God. It just made me feel that God was only in the ether in the form of buzzwords and platitudes. He was there in the sense that God is always there, but if I needed to actually resolve anything, it was through other practical means, not God.

And again going back to my love of extremes, I went from believing that as long as you did the right things and trusted in God you’d be fine, to believing that even though God loves people, fluffy talk was cheap and there were other ways I needed to practically help people (and myself) than simply saying “just trust God” “or “God is enough” or “pray.”

Which brings me to 2015, and the little real hope I put in God.

My life was very much driven by my faith, but it was skewed heavily more toward how God wanted to use me practically to help, rather than believing God could truly redeem dire situations. A lot of my friends can testify to the fact that I’ve asked them repeatedly over the past year about what it looks like to “thrive” in your life, and could you really use that word if all you knew was pain, abandonment, and loneliness? Could someone honestly say that even though none of their deep longings were met, or that they went through some indescribably painful trauma that colored everything in their life, that as long as they had God in their life, they would “thrive?” I was skeptical. My view of God continued to be very small.

The last person I wanted to be was someone who looked at another person who had brokenness in their life and very real needs like housing or food or counseling, and simply say “God loves you!” and walk away. How does someone who has felt nothing but pain, hear “God loves you?” It seemed like a slap in the face. “I know you need food and clothes, but what I’m going to offer you is some nice words of God’s love and not a whole lot else.” If I heard that, it would probably only trigger the thought, “With friends like that…”

So how did I respond? By being a doer. I volunteered at a lot of places, and was always really intentional about making sure I wasn’t just saying nice words, but was doing something that could practically help someone. Clothing drives, handing out food and blankets, fundraising for projects. And a lot of that drove me to want to come to Cambodia and see how I could be a practical help to young girls who have only known having their trust broken by the people that are closest to them. They’ve gone through trauma no one should ever go through, let alone children in elementary school. So I wanted to help in ways I thought would make a difference.

I’m going to take a quick sidebar and share three things that are (trust me) a part of this inner dialogue of mine – two from comedians I love, and one from my wonderful pastor (emphasis mine):

Norm Macdonald: “I used to give homeless people food, because I didn’t want them to use the money I gave them for drugs. But if I was in their situation and homeless, all I would want is drugs, too. You think with their life, an extra sandwich is going to make a difference?”

Louis CK: “It means they were bad, and now they’re---I mean they’re better. They’re not good. Life is shit wall to wall.”

Pastor Brenda Salter McNeil: “So Paul believes that this world is not the end of the story…Paul says I want to know God. I want to know who God is. I want to know what God is doing. Paul says I’ve come to know that this world is not the end of the story. There is a future state, a kingdom of shalom that’s coming. Paul says I’ve gotten so close to the heartbeat of God, I know that this world grieves God, too. Massacres in Paris and terrorism on campus make God cry. And that’s why God has told us that this is not the end of the story. There’s another story, greater, bigger, worth living for. Something that transcends our physical reality, and it’s called HEAVEN! Paul says I want to go, I gotta go, to this place that God says is the end of war, and the end of death, and the end of sickness and disease, where reconciliation, healing, and peace, and justice reign…and there is harmony, and there is peace. And all creation flourishes. What a vision, what an image.

“Now the truth be told, those of us who are really, really educated, and haven’t suffered much, heaven sounds like a pie in the sky theology, doesn’t it? Go ahead and tell the truth, it does. That’s why you’re kind of looking at me like that – ‘Heaven, really, I haven’t thought about heaven.’ Well let me tell you something. Folks who suffer, who have been through hell on earth, they believe in heaven. Because they know that they can’t trust that this world is it. They can’t believe the hell they’re experiencing on earth, is the end of the story.”

I think you can see what I'm getting at with these quotes: for some, life doesn’t provide much of anything other than pain and loneliness, and for these people, God and the promise of a redeemed story after this life is the only thing they’re holding out hope for.

I stayed away from my initial belief in God being enough because I though there should be action along with words of God’s love. And I still think that’s right. But in the process, I yoyo’d so far to the other side that I reduced God’s hand in things because I was one of those “educated people” who hasn’t suffered much and didn’t see the true need of God’s healing and promise that there’s more to life than this. The “this” in my life was pretty good and comfortable, so I just wanted to help people get some of that “this” in their own lives.

First, who’s to say what I have is what we really need and all it’s cracked up to be? I know there’s more to life than comfort and security, but those nice things make it easy to forget there’s more that we long for and need. As they say, good is the enemy of great.

Secondly, do I really think that teaching English and ukulele for 6 months is going to help a girl get over her trauma? I heard a story of a girl being raped by her grandfather and having to get an abortion. Another story I heard was that a doctor who was helping one of the girls’ mothers, ended up raping the daughter. The mother didn’t believe her daughter’s accusation. For some people, life is a series of pain, abandonment, and loneliness, and I think I can change that by volunteering for a little bit? And think about this: the BEST CASE scenario in terms of support for some girls who have been abused or trafficked is that they find their way to one of the NGOs that provides counseling and support for 6 months to a few years, then they go back to their families and communities where there isn’t a promise of any continued professional help or really any acknowledgment that her trauma will continue to impact her life; it’s just supposed to be a return to "normal."

(A couple of clarifying notes: 

1. One thing I want to make sure comes across clearly is that the work that many people do to alleviate social justice issues and trauma such as sex trafficking is crucial and makes a huge difference. I'm not disputing that all, which is why I'm still trying to involved practically. I just needed to remind myself that these interventions have their limits and many times they’re not enough.
2. I also want to make clear that I'm not saying that just because someone has painful trauma in their life, it means they're relegated to a life that is just constant pain. A friend reminded me recently that suffering and joy are closely related and I know of people who have overcome trauma and have thrived in spite of the trauma, and sometimes partially because of it. But while acknowledging that many people emerge from these situations with resolution, perspective, and understanding, there are many who don't.)

I went to a conference a couple months back that was the gathering of many of the human trafficking orgs in Cambodia. Once thing that quickly stuck out to me was how many orgs had the word “hope” in it: Heart of Hope, Hope for Justice, and Garden of Hope to name a few. And the more I’ve heard the stories of sexual abuse, the more that word is the only one that makes sense to me.

So what does all that mean? For me, I think it helps remind me that my faith not only asks me to help people practically and provide some hope in this life, which in many cases is incomplete, but it also pushes me back toward my earlier mindset that God really is the only thing we can put our full hope in that there will be healing and redemption. Helping on the ground plays an important role and the practical healing process is necessary, but no matter how much people care or try, sometimes it’s not enough to overcome some really messed up situations. The more I help, the more I see that the help we as people can provide is limited. There are enough examples of stories that do not resolve and they’re not due to the lack of effort or having the right programs in place. What else can we do than everything we can do? That’s where we’re left – with no more answers and only the hope that God has more to the story, even if that resolution seems distant or impossible or too supernatural or just a fluffy fairytale.

There are a lot of reasons why I am a Christian, and all of them are very real to me. In some ways, my life circumstances have pushed me toward this faith, and in many ways I've been very intentional about my path. But if all those reasons fell to the wayside, and I couldn't rest on being "devout", or "faithful", or "disciplined", what other choice would I have than to believe in this hope? That this life is all we have, and for some, it’s just going to be shit wall-to-wall? If I'm being completely honest, a lot of my faith isn't because I'm so thoughtful and holy and chose it as my first and only love. It's because I've tried everything else, and that's all there's left for me to hang onto. 

I asked earlier “How does someone who has felt nothing but pain, hear ‘God loves you?’” and could easily see why they would be insulted to hear that claim given their circumstances. But what I’ve realized is that the people who hear “God loves you” the most acutely are those who have nothing else in this world to hope for apart from that promise.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” - Revelations 21:4