Some (In Progress) Thoughts on Hope

So I don’t know exactly how this is going to come out other than an unorganized stream of consciousness that is far from being resolved or even understandable, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the past couple of years, especially over the past few months where I've been forced to look at it in a different lens.

Let’s start here: I’m a Christian, which is a huge part of my life, and trying to figure out how my faith shapes my views, interactions, and motives is something that is constantly in the foreground of my thoughts. What I’ll add is that I’m learning the art of nuance and gray areas, but for most of my life, I’ve ebbed and flowed between extremes on most things in my life, including my faith. When I was younger in my faith, I very much thought that if you simply believed and trusted in God, you would/should be fine, whatever "fine" meant. God was enough and to complain or not be happy about life was on you. I very ungraciously responded to friends’ issues with, “Why is that a big deal? You have God, what else do you need?” Tactful, right?

And like many of the lessons in my life, I was only able to see my ugliness when I was on the other side of the equation. When I went through my own painful situations that didn’t make any sense and weren’t easily gotten over, hearing “just pray” or “that’s not a big deal” or “get over it” didn’t help me feel closer to God. It just made me feel that God was only in the ether in the form of buzzwords and platitudes. He was there in the sense that God is always there, but if I needed to actually resolve anything, it was through other practical means, not God.

And again going back to my love of extremes, I went from believing that as long as you did the right things and trusted in God you’d be fine, to believing that even though God loves people, fluffy talk was cheap and there were other ways I needed to practically help people (and myself) than simply saying “just trust God” “or “God is enough” or “pray.”

Which brings me to 2015, and the little real hope I put in God.

My life was very much driven by my faith, but it was skewed heavily more toward how God wanted to use me practically to help, rather than believing God could truly redeem dire situations. A lot of my friends can testify to the fact that I’ve asked them repeatedly over the past year about what it looks like to “thrive” in your life, and could you really use that word if all you knew was pain, abandonment, and loneliness? Could someone honestly say that even though none of their deep longings were met, or that they went through some indescribably painful trauma that colored everything in their life, that as long as they had God in their life, they would “thrive?” I was skeptical. My view of God continued to be very small.

The last person I wanted to be was someone who looked at another person who had brokenness in their life and very real needs like housing or food or counseling, and simply say “God loves you!” and walk away. How does someone who has felt nothing but pain, hear “God loves you?” It seemed like a slap in the face. “I know you need food and clothes, but what I’m going to offer you is some nice words of God’s love and not a whole lot else.” If I heard that, it would probably only trigger the thought, “With friends like that…”

So how did I respond? By being a doer. I volunteered at a lot of places, and was always really intentional about making sure I wasn’t just saying nice words, but was doing something that could practically help someone. Clothing drives, handing out food and blankets, fundraising for projects. And a lot of that drove me to want to come to Cambodia and see how I could be a practical help to young girls who have only known having their trust broken by the people that are closest to them. They’ve gone through trauma no one should ever go through, let alone children in elementary school. So I wanted to help in ways I thought would make a difference.

I’m going to take a quick sidebar and share three things that are (trust me) a part of this inner dialogue of mine – two from comedians I love, and one from my wonderful pastor (emphasis mine):

Norm Macdonald: “I used to give homeless people food, because I didn’t want them to use the money I gave them for drugs. But if I was in their situation and homeless, all I would want is drugs, too. You think with their life, an extra sandwich is going to make a difference?”

Louis CK: “It means they were bad, and now they’re---I mean they’re better. They’re not good. Life is shit wall to wall.”

Pastor Brenda Salter McNeil: “So Paul believes that this world is not the end of the story…Paul says I want to know God. I want to know who God is. I want to know what God is doing. Paul says I’ve come to know that this world is not the end of the story. There is a future state, a kingdom of shalom that’s coming. Paul says I’ve gotten so close to the heartbeat of God, I know that this world grieves God, too. Massacres in Paris and terrorism on campus make God cry. And that’s why God has told us that this is not the end of the story. There’s another story, greater, bigger, worth living for. Something that transcends our physical reality, and it’s called HEAVEN! Paul says I want to go, I gotta go, to this place that God says is the end of war, and the end of death, and the end of sickness and disease, where reconciliation, healing, and peace, and justice reign…and there is harmony, and there is peace. And all creation flourishes. What a vision, what an image.

“Now the truth be told, those of us who are really, really educated, and haven’t suffered much, heaven sounds like a pie in the sky theology, doesn’t it? Go ahead and tell the truth, it does. That’s why you’re kind of looking at me like that – ‘Heaven, really, I haven’t thought about heaven.’ Well let me tell you something. Folks who suffer, who have been through hell on earth, they believe in heaven. Because they know that they can’t trust that this world is it. They can’t believe the hell they’re experiencing on earth, is the end of the story.”

I think you can see what I'm getting at with these quotes: for some, life doesn’t provide much of anything other than pain and loneliness, and for these people, God and the promise of a redeemed story after this life is the only thing they’re holding out hope for.

I stayed away from my initial belief in God being enough because I though there should be action along with words of God’s love. And I still think that’s right. But in the process, I yoyo’d so far to the other side that I reduced God’s hand in things because I was one of those “educated people” who hasn’t suffered much and didn’t see the true need of God’s healing and promise that there’s more to life than this. The “this” in my life was pretty good and comfortable, so I just wanted to help people get some of that “this” in their own lives.

First, who’s to say what I have is what we really need and all it’s cracked up to be? I know there’s more to life than comfort and security, but those nice things make it easy to forget there’s more that we long for and need. As they say, good is the enemy of great.

Secondly, do I really think that teaching English and ukulele for 6 months is going to help a girl get over her trauma? I heard a story of a girl being raped by her grandfather and having to get an abortion. Another story I heard was that a doctor who was helping one of the girls’ mothers, ended up raping the daughter. The mother didn’t believe her daughter’s accusation. For some people, life is a series of pain, abandonment, and loneliness, and I think I can change that by volunteering for a little bit? And think about this: the BEST CASE scenario in terms of support for some girls who have been abused or trafficked is that they find their way to one of the NGOs that provides counseling and support for 6 months to a few years, then they go back to their families and communities where there isn’t a promise of any continued professional help or really any acknowledgment that her trauma will continue to impact her life; it’s just supposed to be a return to "normal."

(A couple of clarifying notes: 

1. One thing I want to make sure comes across clearly is that the work that many people do to alleviate social justice issues and trauma such as sex trafficking is crucial and makes a huge difference. I'm not disputing that all, which is why I'm still trying to involved practically. I just needed to remind myself that these interventions have their limits and many times they’re not enough.
2. I also want to make clear that I'm not saying that just because someone has painful trauma in their life, it means they're relegated to a life that is just constant pain. A friend reminded me recently that suffering and joy are closely related and I know of people who have overcome trauma and have thrived in spite of the trauma, and sometimes partially because of it. But while acknowledging that many people emerge from these situations with resolution, perspective, and understanding, there are many who don't.)

I went to a conference a couple months back that was the gathering of many of the human trafficking orgs in Cambodia. Once thing that quickly stuck out to me was how many orgs had the word “hope” in it: Heart of Hope, Hope for Justice, and Garden of Hope to name a few. And the more I’ve heard the stories of sexual abuse, the more that word is the only one that makes sense to me.

So what does all that mean? For me, I think it helps remind me that my faith not only asks me to help people practically and provide some hope in this life, which in many cases is incomplete, but it also pushes me back toward my earlier mindset that God really is the only thing we can put our full hope in that there will be healing and redemption. Helping on the ground plays an important role and the practical healing process is necessary, but no matter how much people care or try, sometimes it’s not enough to overcome some really messed up situations. The more I help, the more I see that the help we as people can provide is limited. There are enough examples of stories that do not resolve and they’re not due to the lack of effort or having the right programs in place. What else can we do than everything we can do? That’s where we’re left – with no more answers and only the hope that God has more to the story, even if that resolution seems distant or impossible or too supernatural or just a fluffy fairytale.

There are a lot of reasons why I am a Christian, and all of them are very real to me. In some ways, my life circumstances have pushed me toward this faith, and in many ways I've been very intentional about my path. But if all those reasons fell to the wayside, and I couldn't rest on being "devout", or "faithful", or "disciplined", what other choice would I have than to believe in this hope? That this life is all we have, and for some, it’s just going to be shit wall-to-wall? If I'm being completely honest, a lot of my faith isn't because I'm so thoughtful and holy and chose it as my first and only love. It's because I've tried everything else, and that's all there's left for me to hang onto. 

I asked earlier “How does someone who has felt nothing but pain, hear ‘God loves you?’” and could easily see why they would be insulted to hear that claim given their circumstances. But what I’ve realized is that the people who hear “God loves you” the most acutely are those who have nothing else in this world to hope for apart from that promise.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” - Revelations 21:4

Fear and Willingness

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I like to give my students assignments that benefit both them and me. Them in that they practice thinking how to structure ideas and speak publicly, and me in that I get to learn more about their lives.

In the past two months, I've been teaching my evening class (my most advanced in terms of speaking English) a new vocabulary word a day - the theme being "words I think of when I think of them." A couple of nights ago I chose the word "willing" for a couple of reasons. For one, it aptly describes them because they generally are goodhearted and make an effort whenever I pose a new activity for them to try. Secondly, it was a bit of pre-emptive encouragement because I had a new assignment for them that same evening that would be challenging for anyone, let alone for students speaking a second language in front of their peers and a teacher from another country. The assignment? Tell the class about one of your fears and why it scares you.

Again, I love these assignments because I learn so much about my students. In the past, they've been open enough to share about their life goals, as well as people in their lives demonstrate faithfulness. The other reason I love these assignments is that it gives me a chance to share a bit about my life with the students. For most of my life, I've worked with kids in some capacity from coaching basketball to mentoring at church to helping with summer camps. It's something that I realized over time I love doing and that I'm a bit wired for. And one thing that is aways present when working with kids is how when I was their age, I really wanted to be able to hear from older people who in my mind, had "made it" so they could give me the formula. There weren't many occasions when I heard something from someone older and thought, "oh, you too?!" And when I was young, what I wanted more than most things was to know that I could relate to other people. So that's why I really enjoy sharing with kids (even though I'm far from having "made it", whatever that even means) - that hopefully some of my experiences and learnings could resonate with them and they could feel the sense that they're not on their own and someone understands a bit of where they're coming from.

Before I asked each student to share, I shared a bit about a few things in my life that caused me fear growing up, and also shared a couple of quotes on fear I really enjoy (again, thanks to the journal from Judith):

“Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life.” - Donald Miller

"I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear." - Rosa Parks

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers." - Anne Lamott

Here are some of the responses - some really honest and difficult, some lighter and funny. And some that made me want to high-five them and say, "me, too!" (I'll let you guess which ones those are)

• "Fitting into new groups."
• "Worms."
• "Pretty girls." (definitely high-five worthy)
• "Not succeeding at University and with a future career."
• "Ghosts."
• "Not fitting in with their family."
• "This." (Referring to public speaking - this response had my dying.)
• "Failing high school."
• "Lizards."
• "Traffic accidents."
• "Being alone."
• "Thunder."
• "Being pressured into getting married and settling down, when there are other goals I want to pursue."
• "The dark."
• "Not being able to afford university."

I really enjoyed hearing their stories, and I was so proud of them, as I always am when they share with everyone about their lives. And I think through this exercise, they were able to see that many of their fears were shared.

Before they shared, I made sure to let them know they didn't have to share anything they weren't comfortable with sharing. It could be light and quick if they wanted. I didn't want to force them into sharing fears that were things they wanted to be more private. My last student to share was insanely brave because she shared something that was really difficult for her. She shared that she was afraid of her father because he would drink a lot and hit her mom. She cried while she shared, and in the middle of her sharing I felt horrible because I felt I forced her into sharing something she didn't want to. I apologized to her after class, but she reassured me that she was happy to share because she said she wasn't sad anymore because her father stopped drinking and stopped hitting her mom. Like I said, willing.

My evening class has consistently been the class I've enjoyed teaching the most because they've been receptive to my maybe less-than-kosher teaching style, they've been willing to do things that are new and scare them, and man do they teach me a lot.

Meet the Boys, Volume 1: Nathan

As most of you know, I live in the English school I teach at along with one of the teachers, and three of the students. They've been my family out here and have been the single reason I'm still alive. So yea, they're special to me.

I wanted to kill a couple of birds, so I gave the boys some homework that gave them a chance to practice speaking English, while giving me a great opportunity to learn more about their lives.

First up: Nathan. If I can summarize Nathan, I'll say that he's hardworking, shy, and above all else earnest. There isn't a bone in his body that is insincere or trying to be anyone else. He isn't the most vocal (which is a skill in and of itself), but he's so thoughtful, which is something I really love about him. Without further ado...

Name: Nathan (Bora)

Age: 20

Home province: Kompongcham

What are you currently doing? 

Going to high school grade 12, and also taking English classes at Shelter of Peace.

What were you doing before coming to Shelter of Peace? 

I was a monk for four years. Two years at the temple in my hometown, and two years at the temple down the street from Shelter of Peace.

Why did you leave the monkhood? 

I moved to the temple nearby because the temple in my hometown no longer taught classes, and I wanted to continue my education. Then the temple nearby stopped teaching classes as well, so I had to go somewhere else to continue my education. Instead of going to another temple, I decided to leave the monkhood because I also wanted more freedom to try other things. Being in the monkhood didn’t allow me a lot of freedom to pursue other interests.

Why is learning English important to you? 

It helps me communicate with people from all over the world, and I think it will also help Cambodia if we can learn English and be connected to more people.

What are your goals for your future? 

I want to be a manager for a company, and I also want to teach English to poor children, so they can have better opportunities.

Why are these your goals? 

I want to be a manager because people need a good leader to help them work well together. Just like families need good leaders, I would like to help provide that for a company.

What will you need to do to achieve these goals? 

I need to study hard this year so that I can pass the 12^th grade test and be in a better position to get into university. This will be a challenge because at the Buddhist temple, I was only taught up to an 8^th grade level, so I will have a lot to catch up on this year.

What are your family’s goals for you? 

My mother only got a 2^nd grade education, so her focus for me was always to get my education. She didn’t care as much about what career I chose, but she just wanted me to get my education.

What does a perfect day look like? 

I would like to have a whole day to explore Angkor Wat. I’ve been there only once and I only had two hours to see all of the temples. There are many more things I want to see there.

If you could learn one thing, what would that be and why? 

I would like to learn how to be a good manager.

What is one thing Pert has learned since coming to Cambodia? 

He has a better understanding of how people in Cambodia live day-to-day.

BONUS: Questions from Nathan for me - I told you he was thoughtful (his answers in parentheses, no answers from me:)): 

Do you ever think about getting married? (Yes, 28 years old) What are you looking for in your wife? (Smart, kind, and will let me do what I want) Are your old girlfriends married now? Are you happy with your life?

So This Happened...

Champa always braids her hair in really cool designs, so one day I asked if she would braid mine. She gladly accepted, but also upped the ante. "How about makeup, too?"

"Sure."

let's start with my ugly mug.

Getting there...

And now the hair, along with Champa's lovely laugh :).

A work of art!

Voila!

And here's the great reveal!

My awesome evening class.

Covert Ops - Mission: Blind Date

Back home, I have a weekly standing meeting with my good friend Tiff called "covert ops." It's really just a weekly sync, and we rarely get into any real espionage. But last week I had a real life encounter with some covert ops in the form of a blind date.

For those salivating over the prospect of reading about me going on a blind date, let me clarify a bit: it wasn't actually my blind date.

There are two wonderful students I have in my evening class named Champa and Monytep. They're sweet, funny, and radiant, and I just smile when I see them - I would be ecstatic to have daughters like them one day. One day after class, Michael and Champa passed on a cryptic message to me: "Friday night, we have something planned." I asked for more details, but they both just gave me mischievous smiles and told me just to be ready to go...somewhere.

Friday rolled around, and I still had no idea where we were headed and for what reason. I just got on the moto and took a ride with Michael. We met up with Champ, Monytep, and their sister Chiva. And then one of Michael's long-time friends met the five of us before we drove to a little noodle shop by the side of the street. Once we sat down, it all clicked: this was a blind date between the girls' sister Chiva and Michael's friend! We were just along for the ride to act as wingmen/wingwomen.

I sat at the "kiddie" end of the table with Champa and Monytep and it was so fun and funny interacting with them. Champa kept stealing glances over to the other end of the table, would give me a little smirk, and then we'd sneak a little high-five before recomposing ourselves as to not blow the cover. I felt like the most immature 32 year-old man of all time, but what better reason to act a little goofy than sitting beside a busy Cambodian street eating a hot bowl of noodles with fellow hopeful onlookers at the prospect of love? Stay tuned for updates :).

Champa and Monytep, my co-conspirators in the game of love.

G & P v.V

This post is a little Sh0uT 0uTzZzZzZz to my very dear friend Gitanjali. I was able to meet her and her family in Phuket for a long weekend, which is now the 5^th country we’ve met up together in! (That “V” in the title is supposed to be a roman numeral 5. I thought it would be cool to have the whole title rhyme...Yup... OK...) I’ll get to this milestone in a bit, but first let’s take a step into the way back machine.

I’ve known G for almost 8 years now, back to when we both Accenture consultants working at the Gates Foundation, and when I was in my very, very formative years of being employed full-time. I was pretty fragile when she joined the project for various reasons – the main one being that I literally had no idea how to do any part of my job. No big deal, but it kept me up at night. See here’s the thing: I was a (middling) marketing major from UW, the economy was good, and Accenture was possibly conducting a social experiment by hiring someone totally unqualified for the job, so they gave me an offer to join as a consultant…in IT!? My answer to any computer problem up that point was CTRL + ALT + DEL. When my friends heard I got hired on as an IT consultant…well that’s the thing, they didn’t actually hear it. They assumed they heard my announcement incorrectly because why would anyone hire me to help with IT? Astute observation.

When G jointed the project as my manager, about a year into my IT consulting job, I was still totally confused and would literally just click and scroll around my screen to make it look like I was doing something of value. The team G and I was on was pretty small, so we clicked quickly and allowed me to confide in someone about the terrible secret that I was in essence stealing money from the largest non-profit in the world, one click/scroll at a time. This admission also had me questioning whether or not IT consulting was for me. G, being the mature person that she is, talked me off the ledge. She fully admitted that it might not be for me, but also to know that everyone at Accenture had a learning curve, so I should give it a little more time before bowing out. She also made up some stuff about me being OK at my job to make me feel better J. I still vividly remember the lunch where we discussed this over a hot bowl of pho and tears (kidding…?).

Anyways, things turned out OK in the end. I finally figured out this whole IT thing (one-to-many entity relationships!) and our project launched relatively successfully, depending on who you ask J. (For you Gates/ACN folks, I still have the giant Unison binder that I will always look at with two parts pride at the hard work we put into it, and one part shame at how insanely dense that thing was. I’ve since learned from those mistakes J). It was a pretty intense half-year G and I worked together on this project, and working close to 18 hours/day, 6-7 days/week for an extended period of time will result in one of two outcomes: hatred or adoration. Luckily for us, we landed in the latter category.

Since that project, G and I have stayed in touch as our careers took us to different places. She helped steer me in the right directions when I was thinking of job changes over the years, and was one of my biggest fans when I joined Gates full-time. She kept climbing the ladder at Accenture, and also got to travel a butt-load, which made me both envious as well as inspired to do the same. Her job took her to Singapore and South Africa, and I’m so appreciative that we always made time to email/call each other, even half a world apart, to make sure we were doing OK.

The travel aspect has been the coolest part of our friendship, which is what we’re here to celebrate today. In 2010, G was in Singapore, and after another project at Gates ended, I decided to meet her and eat our way through the various hawker markets. What I didn’t know as much at the time, but what I now appreciate and look forward to each time we meet, is how thoughtful and curious G is about my life. She’s always probing to understand my life better and why I do what I do, or why I believe what I believe. I’ve had so many discussions with G about relationships, Christianity, career choices, family dynamics, Indian/Chinese culture, and of course food. I like to hope that we’ve learned a few things from each other over the years (G to P: “You have enough friends.” P to G: “Be a busy restaurant.”).

After that initial meet up in Singapore, things just aligned for us to meet up a few more times in various locales. In 2011, I went backpacking for a few months and decided to pay G another visit in Singapore before heading to Europe. That trip is when G learned about Accenture’s sabbatical program that I was using for my backpacking trip, so a few weeks later, G used the same sabbatical program to move to Germany to learn German! So awesome. The other result of her time off was that we decided to meet up in Rome, after she finished her intensive language program. I had one of my favorite dining experiences ever in Rome with G when we ate in an alleyway outside of a dude’s kitchen (of his house!) with unlimited grappa and limoncello (h/t to JHong!).

The next time we met up was in the exotic city of San Jose in 2013. G moved there for a short project with Accenture, and while she was there, decided to move over to EY, which would bring her to Switzerland. Before she headed off to Europe, we thought it would be a nice change of pace to meet up in America. A fun weekend living in a half-empty apartment on an air mattress J.

Then a few months later in January 2014, right after I joined Gates full-time, we were able to meet up in London! It was good luck that we were both there at the same time for work, and at this point, we were thinking it would be a cool tradition to keep meeting up in different places. So we got together for dinner and drinks a couple of times, both of us sporting our shiny new jobs.

Let's take a visual walk down memory lane...

2008 - Our project team dressed up for halloween. That's G on the right as "crazy" Britney Spears.

2010 - Our friend Hailey and me visiting G in Singapore.

2011 - Another round in Singapore.

2011 - Gallivanting in Rome together during our ACN sabbatical overlap.

2013 - Hanging out in San Jose before G headed off to Switzerland to join EY.

<2014 - Sadly, no picture of us in London, but instead you can enjoy this gif that I love.>

Which brings us to the 5^th installment. Rewinding a bit back to San Jose, G mentioned that it would be great for me to meet her parents, which was a little weird to me since I had no idea they even knew who I was. But G told me I had come up with her parents a few times and they wanted to meet me. Her dad was in the Indian army, and has a killer mustache, so naturally I was intimated. On top of that, I didn’t really see a realistic way for us to meet so I didn’t really give that offer much thought. That is until this summer.

When I told G I was taking six months to move to Cambodia, she immediately told me of her plans for a family vacation in Phuket. Because I wanted to keep this cool tradition alive, I was able to find a long weekend to visit G, her family, and her boyfriend Gregor for a few days. And just like that, the crazy idea to meet her parents was now reality, and they were just the best. When I first arrived, G’s mom had some Indian snacks ready for me and also gave me a present! She heard that I was a big reader, so she got me a book by one of India’s most famous Presidents – A.P.J. Abdul Kalam. Her dad was also a really sweet, and soft-spoken guy, very much the opposite of what I had envisioned.

The weekend was really laid back, and it was just nice talking to G per usual, but it was also nice getting to know her parents. G found a way to leave me alone with one of her parents a few times during the trip, so I had a lot of 1:1 time to get to know each one better. Her mom was both really thoughtful and curious, so I really appreciated how much she asked about what I was doing in Cambodia, why I did it, etc. She’s an amazing woman and I got to hear a bit more about her experiences as a teacher, which we could connect on, and I got a little more insight into her work with translating books into braille for the blind. Her dad was sneaky funny, and shared a lot of war stories about his time as a grenadier in the Indian army. The weekend also included a lot of tasty food and desserts as is always the case with G and me (a lot of desserts because it was G’s mom’s birthday!).

One of the fancy pools we got to relax at.

The beautiful sunset we got to see each night.

Learning to make animal towels! See if you can guess what we made.

This is what was playing in my head.

The egg tart roadshow continues!

Some tasty snacks at the Phuket night market.

Mustaches unite!

A great time with G and the fam.

I look at my friendship with G as some kind of weird anomaly. She was my manager for only 9 months or so, we never lived in the same city full-time, and we rarely had convenient ways to see each other. But I’m very grateful that for some odd reason, we both made an effort to stay invested in each other’s lives, including both important decisions (career choices) and less important announcements (a tasty burger we had). G, here’s to many more adventures wherever we find each other.

2015 - The latest installment :)